Monday, 12 March 2012


“Are you laughing at me?” she asked, sounding hurt and bitter “Yes you....up there in your heavenly palaces. Sitting smug on your clouds as you watch me suffer one hardship after another. Does it amuse you?!” she whispered staring sad eyed up to the sky. The light was fading to a misty mauve twilight, the stars starting to twinkle overhead. It usually brought her such peace. A quiet and beautiful light that softened all. Yet she just felt anxious and very tired. And lonely as if no one else on this earth could possibly understand how she was feeling. For how could they, when she did not even understand it fully herself?

The breeze rustled at the leaves surrounding her, whistling through the long grasses as she sat outside at the rear of the Avathar cave. The scent of pinecones was heavy on the air, underlain with a salty hint of ocean and swirls of mixed lycan scents, most predominately Alastair’s. She wrapped her arms about her bare shoulders. Though she felt no chill she so wished he was here to comfort and to reassure her. Everything somehow felt so much better in his embrace even with no word uttered between them. So attuned to each other just a subtle touch against her hair or a soft press of his lips to hers would drain away any despair she was suffering and often that which was bottled up inside. Yet he was not here. She did not know where he was.


"Eleni, you know how much I love you, and need you, and need to know you’re alright. I can tell when things are wrong, it’s impossible for you to hide it and when I ask I want you to tell me because I want to know or I would not pester with my concerns. I’d rather just know than you suppress and try and deal with it. Look what happened to me for trying to suppress my feelings to spare you from my burdens and baggage. I alienated myself and that was nobody’s fault but my own. I can talk with you through this I promise I can listen" he smiled at her endearingly and leaned forward to find her lips while his eyes stayed focused on hers, just a soft brushing before he pull back enough to say gently "Now, tell me what your jealous of, all little thoughts no matter how silly, please just tell me"


Should she try and explain again? She had made such a bad job of most attempts to explain her feelings and behaviours of late even with justification for most of them. A name lingered close on her lips, an elven that would bring him running to her if she so dared to speak it. Dared to think it even for it was a most powerful name, one that she had locked away in a box in the safest recesses of her mind. Only if she sought deep into her soul could she find the hidden key to unlock it...yet to whisper it would be so easy. It was a name that seeped into her dreams, into her waking consciousness sometimes when she felt low or troubled. For it reminded her of all they had been through, all they had overcome and just how much she meant to him.

But now, sitting outside all alone she found she stayed from speaking it. Despite his assurances she felt he simply had too much on his shoulders at the moment. Once again he was weighed with obligations though none of which she begrudged him and for the most part she was proud of him for stepping up to take such responsibilities. As much as he would argue she should confide in him she just wanted to give him a little breathing space from her seemingly constant stress. Let him face forward without her holding him back in fussy tears or jealous confusions. Not to mention the aggressive and demanding bloodlust. How many times had she seen him pale and weakened in satisfying that craving that never ceased? Had even seen him put aside his own health and lain unconscious upon the ground. Her hormonal outbursts and volatile nature of late were taking their toll she could tell.

And now there was this new worry. On top of possible unnerving alliances with vampires, hired blades following his footsteps and helping princesses reclaim their thrones the past had come back to haunt her. Just when she though finally she had put it all behind her, just hearing the elf’s name had brought it flooding back. She wished Kyra no ill anymore but that emotional scar ran so deep. She suspected her nature and her hormones had a big part to play but even such excuses did not banish the cloud that hung over her. Hands sweeping over her stomach she wondered whether it was that same association having been with child and then coping with Elemmírë as a newborn that all the problems had spilt to her knowledge before. “Why do you do this to me?” she whispered desperately towards the stars as if begging the powers of fate for some answers “as soon as I overcome one gauntlet another rises to take place of that you make me suffer for some past this my repercussion? For my many ills?” But of course the sky remained silent and mysterious to her.

Her mind drifted back to Alastair, trying to shy away from memories that were painful to recall. Yet with him it was easy to find one of pure and loving strength. All she had to do was retreat inwardly to her marble hall and gaze at the walls adorned with his face. Each blissful memory emblazoned forever upon canvas to remind and to reassure. It would certainly help keep her steady whilst she tried to brave this personal storm alone. And the best incentive of course nestled warm and thriving beneath her palms. Even with what sometimes felt like the weight of the world upon her shoulders, she knew at the end of the day she was her own worst enemy and it was down to her to dig deep.

But he knew her well and was a born worrier so she would try to smile for him every day until the fog of insecurity lifted. Every day her smiles would become more genuine, likely to hasten in his presence for was never too long he could not conjure an earnest and heartfelt smile from her, the type that blossomed from the inside out. She caught herself right there and then, in that very moment smiling such a smile just with the thought of him and felt that warm bubble inside. It nudged her into thinking perhaps everything would soon be alright after all.

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